I know it has been a while since I have written or shared anything here. Next week is February which is so hard to believe. We are exactly in the same place we were the last time. I feel like all avenues are exhausted. Maybe not, maybe I am just the tired one. So many outbursts of anger, so many rude and just mean words being spoken. My AN son is now 18, I don't know what that means at this point.
All I feel right now is failure. Exhaustion. Hopeless. I try and try and try, we have GREAT days, and then we have days like yesterday. I was sick, stomach bug, food poisoning, maybe my body just cashing it in and saying enough, you overwork yourself so take a day. I am kind of leaning towards the latter. I came down to get more water, hydration is key when your body just releases everything, and he was sitting on the couch, I asked some questions, just average hey this happened, and whats going on, casual questions. He flew off the handle, yelling, kicked the poor old dog, then immediately claimed he didn't. The sink was full of dishes, the house a mess. I said look I have been sick all day, really since the night before, and he just looked at me and said "I literally could care less about any of that, why are you even telling me"?
I am just done. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, and I know plenty of people will tell me it's the ED talking. A sick brain. Then he left to go for a walk. A 3 hour walk. If you are AN, you shouldn't exercise at all. It burns up calories you just don't have to burn. And a BIG part of me wanted to drive around and find him and cart his ass home. But I didn't. Why? Because he is 18, he wants to make these decisions, and I can't keep constantly coming behind him to rescue or clean up after him. That is so hard for me to do. How else will he learn though? I know parents would disagree with me. He is sick, he definitely has some mental health issues along with the ED. Right now? All I feel like I represent to him is a place to sleep, food and transportation. It doesn't matter that I am literally killing myself to keep him alive. It doesn't seem to matter I am single-handedly holding this house together, cleaning, cooking, bills, groceries and meals. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling whiny, I hate complaining.
I want this space to be educational, for other parents going through this to feel heard, to have a voice. Unfortunately with a disease like AN, there are so many bad days, it is hard to be positive and upbeat all the time. I am constantly fighting to be positive. To say affirmations, to speak great things into existence. I don't know if there are actually any readers at this point, but I would love comments, anything to let me know I am not alone and falling apart for nothing.
Much love
