Talking To Myself

 Since this seems to be, for the most part simply where I get my thoughts and feelings out, that is exactly what I am going to use this for.  If I have readers, you are getting me as I am.  

I am tired of all of this.  I work so hard every single day.  My brain works overtime. I wake up at 2am, wondering how my S18 AN is, if he is ok, is he cutting, did he leave, is he going to try and kill himself? Did he eat enough today? Is his body going to shut down?

I have all of these things I want to do, but can't because everything I do revolves around my three teenage children.  Driving them places, back and forth.  All the time.  Work, school, football.  I told them last night, they are completely spoiled, we live barely a mile from their high school, I see kids walking every single day to and from school.  Yet, I get up at 6am and wake them, get them moving, dressed, fed, pile them into the car and drive them to school.  Dutifully picking them up, my daughter at 2:38pm, and then my son, who plays football, at 6pm.  And my S18AN, he works so I take him to work, and then pick him up around 10, or 11pm depending upon whether he is the closing manager for the night.  

I need help, but the husband is deployed, and I am it.  We don't have space for anyone to come help, I am just tired.  I try and do everything for everyone.  EVERYTHING.  I don't know how to stop. More than anything I just want to be seen and appreciated.

I am a broker, and I desperately need to be successful, but in order to do that, you need connections.  This is so hard when you have just moved somewhere new, and don't know anyone.  They tell you to utilize your sphere.  I don't have one.  I tried to join a women's local friend group, but apparently I was too big of a threat to the group's creator.  She wanted to be the only realtor in the group, and told me I couldn't talk about what I did, even though I had been with this group for several months.  What happened to women supporting each other, why do we need to be in competition? She kicked me out, because I didn't agree that I should keep my mouth shut.   

Part of me would like to share what has been going on in our lives.  Not because I want pity, but because I have sat on this for so long and it's hard to feel like I am enduring this on my own.  Although doing that will invite people to give their opinions, and questions, and phone calls.  It will open the world to judge my son, and us.  I don't have the mental capacity to deal with that. There are friends and family members who are aware, but not everyone for various reasons.  Did I mention I am tired?  I need to work, I need to be here, where is the balance??

Much Love                                            

Me, in black and white

 I feel like I should talk a little about me, beyond the childhood trauma that led to my own personal ED battle.  So who am I? Besides the crazed mother of 3, one of whom has a raging case of anorexia? I am a wife.  Have been for almost 21 years now.  I love every minute of it, we fit and it's perfect. 

 I am a friend. I like to think I am a pretty good one.  If you know me, I am loyal, and I love.  HARD.  It may be why I give chances.  Lots of them.  I view humanity as a lovely flawed mess, and I am part of that mess.  We are a wonderful, crazy bunch.  

I am a broker, a real estate agent.  Not quite brand new, I have been at this for a year.  I know it can take a while to become successful, and I am working at it.  Maybe not as hard as I could, I am solo parenting it at the moment, the husband is in the military (that is all the info I am giving about that) and I have three, THREE teenage children.  So there is driving, dropping, feeding, waiting.  All the time.  I want to have a successful career as a realtor.  Do you know what that takes?  What exactly that entails?  As a military spouse, that is more difficult than you think.  You have to have contacts.  My contacts are all over the US.  If you want to be successful, you need contacts where you live.  People who are willing to talk about you, willing to suggest you to their friends.  For whatever reason, I don't have that.  I never have.  I tried to sell Pink Zebra, its like Scentsy, but not.  I tried to sell Traveling Vineyard, you know, wine.  I COULD NOT SELL WINE.  So now I am trying to sell homes.  Hopefully I do better with that than one of my favorite beverages.  

I have a degree in Psychology.  I know I have mentioned that before.  I am about 3/4 of the way finished with my behavioral health tech certification, from there I want to go after my Masters in Mental Health Counseling.  My S18AN said I should get my Ph.D.  I worry it's too late to do all of that.  Do I want my doctorate? Do I want 6 more years of school at least, not including internships?

I want to open a retreat.  One that is solely for women.  A beautiful retreat with bungalows, with a community garden, chickens, horses.  A lazy river, and a lovely pool.  It will cater to women who want to regroup, relax, recharge, either on their own, or with their friends.  There will be a restaurant, with amazing farm to table food, and organic cocktails.  A day spa, and pilates! And at the very back of the property, tiny houses for women who need help, who are running from domestic abuse, or in need of mental health assistance.  Because I could be the mental health counselor on staff.

I love to read, although I don't really have time to do this leisurely these days.  The beach is my favorite place, and occasionally I like to shop.  For clothing, not groceries.  Horses are my favorite animal, and I adore horseback riding.  I wish I could travel more.  I love art and theater, ballet is beautiful and graceful.  

And I LOVE cooking and baking.  It is something I like to think I am pretty good at. Don't ask me to make pancakes from scratch.

There is a lot more, but I think this gives you a little bit about who I am.  Sometimes I need to step outside of what feels like it is consuming my entire world.  Have a question, ask!  

Much Love