Talking To Myself

 Since this seems to be, for the most part simply where I get my thoughts and feelings out, that is exactly what I am going to use this for.  If I have readers, you are getting me as I am.  

I am tired of all of this.  I work so hard every single day.  My brain works overtime. I wake up at 2am, wondering how my S18 AN is, if he is ok, is he cutting, did he leave, is he going to try and kill himself? Did he eat enough today? Is his body going to shut down?

I have all of these things I want to do, but can't because everything I do revolves around my three teenage children.  Driving them places, back and forth.  All the time.  Work, school, football.  I told them last night, they are completely spoiled, we live barely a mile from their high school, I see kids walking every single day to and from school.  Yet, I get up at 6am and wake them, get them moving, dressed, fed, pile them into the car and drive them to school.  Dutifully picking them up, my daughter at 2:38pm, and then my son, who plays football, at 6pm.  And my S18AN, he works so I take him to work, and then pick him up around 10, or 11pm depending upon whether he is the closing manager for the night.  

I need help, but the husband is deployed, and I am it.  We don't have space for anyone to come help, I am just tired.  I try and do everything for everyone.  EVERYTHING.  I don't know how to stop. More than anything I just want to be seen and appreciated.

I am a broker, and I desperately need to be successful, but in order to do that, you need connections.  This is so hard when you have just moved somewhere new, and don't know anyone.  They tell you to utilize your sphere.  I don't have one.  I tried to join a women's local friend group, but apparently I was too big of a threat to the group's creator.  She wanted to be the only realtor in the group, and told me I couldn't talk about what I did, even though I had been with this group for several months.  What happened to women supporting each other, why do we need to be in competition? She kicked me out, because I didn't agree that I should keep my mouth shut.   

Part of me would like to share what has been going on in our lives.  Not because I want pity, but because I have sat on this for so long and it's hard to feel like I am enduring this on my own.  Although doing that will invite people to give their opinions, and questions, and phone calls.  It will open the world to judge my son, and us.  I don't have the mental capacity to deal with that. There are friends and family members who are aware, but not everyone for various reasons.  Did I mention I am tired?  I need to work, I need to be here, where is the balance??

Much Love