Directions

 It has been a little while since I have last posted, I really hate feeling like I am repeating myself.  This road is long and hard.  Its going to be, that is without question.  However, the lack of resources for someone in our position is astounding. Harping on it doesn't help.  You know what does help? Doing something about it.  

As I have mentioned before, my bachelors degree is in Psychology.  I graduated Summa Cum Laude, yep I am bragging here a little bit, about a year ago.  A couple of friends asked me if I was going to work on my Masters degree after that.  I said no.  NO.  I finished my degree in 3.5 years (I double majored in Creative Writing and Psychology, no stop, you're amazing) I was exhausted, I had just gotten my real estate license.  Ok, yes, I am an overachiever and I am sure there is something there psychological to unpack.  It didn't sound so crazy in my head, but there it is.  

So, now a year later, my kids overheard me talking to someone and semi counseling them. Not purposely, it just happens sometimes.  And they asked me, why wasn't I a therapist? This sparked an idea, re-sparked a thought.  What could I do with my Bachelors degree.  Nothing? Ok.  What could I do to ACTUALLY do something? Masters degree? Ok, yeah that's doable.  I did a little searching, filled out a form for more information, and received a phone call in less than 5 minutes. Man, SNHU is on top of things. What it boiled down to, was there is a Masters program for Mental Health Counseling, 60 hours, + intern hours, + practicum hours.  I could actually do this.  I can do this. 

I thought about it.  I mean, I really thought about this.  But you know what? It makes sense.  Yes, its a lot of work, yes, there will probably be a thesis involved.  I already know what it will be on, Anorexia in boys and men.  I am planning a documentary about this.  The amount of information revolving around the male gender when it comes to eating disorders is so incredibly lacking, its insane.  I want to change that.  I want to create resources.  I want other parents in our position to be able to find therapy and treatment and feel hope.  

We don't have that just yet.  Hope is a hard word to come by in our vocabulary.  I want to make sure other families after us have more hope than they could have imagined.  And while I can't counsel my own child, that would be a conflict of interests, I want to give others what we had to work so hard to find.  

Much Love.  

In Flux

 It has been a couple of days since my last post.  I have joined two groups on Facebook for parents and caregivers of children with eating disorders.  One of the phrases I have noticed mentioned often, is "Two steps forward and one step back". Not that I haven't ever heard or even used this phrase before, I have more than likely even said it.  But never has it meant more than it does right now.  

While we search for someone, anyone, to help my son, I am reading everything I can. So in the mean time I can try and implement what I have learned.  I have mentioned in my bio that my degree is in psychology, something I pursued simply because of some of the things my mother was going through, and not many people saw what was going on.  I wanted to understand, and find someone to listen so those circumstances could change.  

I cook a lot anyway, but this past week I have dug deep and have been creating some of my kids favorite meals.  Meals loaded with heavy cream, and cheese, some hidden veggies.  The one that my AN (how I am going to refer to Anorexia from here on out) son loves, is Chicken Alfredo.  I make the sauce from scratch, its rich and delicious, and if you ask nicely I may share it with you in another post.  Seasoned and grilled chicken, and pasta.  It is always a huge hit.  So much so in fact, I watched my son eat three bowls. I told him I was so happy to see him eating, and his answer? "Your Chicken Alfredo is amazing, I have to eat it". The next day he asked if he could make the French Silk pie I taught him a few years ago. OF COURSE.  Of course you can make a French Silk pie. Full of chocolate, butter, sugar, eggs, whipped into this silky chocolate dream in a graham cracker crust.  And then to watch him happily eat some of it?  We had a good couple of days.  

Now about 5 days ago, he had managed to get his weight down to 119.  This is incredibly low for a teenage boy who is a little over 5'8.  A healthy weight would be 160 or so.  He was so happy to see that number on the scale.  It terrified me.  Through him being home, watching what he ate and making delicious foods, I managed to get him up to 125.  Not great, but it was progress. Progress is important.  That number needs to go up. When they reach a healthy weight, a weight above when they began this downward spiral, its called "Weight Restored" or WR. Every parent and caregiver wants to hear those magic words, weight restored.  Seeing 125 on the scale was extremely upsetting for him.  Now we are back down to 120, in a matter of days.  The less he weighs, the more erratic he is.  The more unstable his mind is.  He struggles to not waver when he walks.  To carry on a full conversation without stopping multiple times to find his train of thought.  Two steps forward and one step back.  This time however, it feels more like two steps back.  

Much love.

Lifeline

 The search continues.  I feel like this occupies my thoughts day and night.  I reached out to my son's school counselors last night through email.  They responded this morning, helpful, without shaming him for not being in a mental state to attend school right now. There were also links listed for further information and resources.  Not all helpful to our situation, but it's a start in the right direction.  

I had dug around on the Tricare website again yesterday, turning up a daunting list of 30 more psychotherapists in our area. I use the word area lightly, some were 30-40 miles away. Not all specialize in eating disorders, which to me is important.  Yes, he needs help with his depression, and self-harm, but because AN is a disease that effects the brain, the first thing that needs to be addressed is helping him to re-feed himself. The human brain is about 60% fat, without healthy fats feeding your brain, it isn't going to function properly.  An unfed brain doesn't see the need to stop the harmful habits, it encourages them to continue them, feeds the self harm and fights tooth and nail to stay in control.  So getting a person suffering from AN to a healthy weight is imperative so therapy can be effective.  

My latest adventure in the search for help brought me to a Tricare approved virtual therapy website.  I filled out the form to request an appointment.  What I got was "The responses you gave lead us to believe you need a higher level of care than we can provide you".  There was a promise to search my area and call me.  And while I wait, here is a list of websites you probably are already aware of to look at if you need help....

I completely understand that the moment you mention self-harm, or severe depression, they do not want to be held liable if something happens.  But being told they will call you at some unknown point to offer help when you are already struggling to find the help needed, well, it feels like a let down.  

I don't know if we are in a place where he would be taken seriously if I tried to Baker Act him.  Its something we have talked about.  His heart rate is lower, than I think it should be, 47bpm while he slept last night, during the day 57-65 unless he stands, then it sky rockets.  A low temperature is another indication, he is fairly normal in that aspect. Although today it is lower than yesterday. He is incredibly forthcoming when he talks to me about how he is doing, how he feels, what the AN is doing to him.  When he talks to others, he glosses it over, so it doesn't seem as dramatic.  

We are still looking for that lifeline.

Much Love

Hungry

 Everyone always talks about women or girls when it comes to an eating disorder.  You can search and search on every streaming channel out there, and maybe come up with two that pertain to men or boys.  And why am I looking for these? Why am I searching for this subject matter?  Because my oldest son, who is 17 years old, is Anorexic.  It is hard to know what to think or where to go for help.  You can find centers for eating disorders, however, the majority of them are for women.  

I think we all know what Anorexia Nervosa is at this point.  Its calorie counting, in an unhealthy manner, its restrictive eating, or not eating at all.  The point my son is at, is keeping his calorie count under 1000 for the day.  If he does eat something he enjoys, the next day he eats barely anything.  There is a lot of guilt that surrounds a person struggling with an eating disorder.  Guilt for what they eat, guilt for feeling guilty.  

On top of this, or maybe hand in hand with this, comes depression and anxiety.  To make it more interesting, there is self harm.  It was cutting for a while, then burning, then back to cutting.  

When you find out your child is struggling with an eating disorder, you want to ask all the questions.  At least I did.  How on earth did I miss this? When did it begin? How long has it been going on? Why doesn't anyone have much to say about boys in this situation? Our particular situation is the results of a chubby 12-14 yr old boy, who hadn't hit his growth spurt yet, and endured a lot of teasing and shaming for his weight from kids at school.  In response, he learned to hate what he saw.  Abhor it even.  Then he grew, quite a bit. He hit 5'8 and thinned out.  And kept thinning out.  He also inherited my body dysmorphia.  He looks in the mirror and still hates what he sees.  Critiques every inch, and deems it unworthy.  

Now we search for help.  I may have mentioned earlier its hard to find.  We have GREAT insurance.  For the most part.  Ok, we have Tricare.  To those who don't know, as a military family, we are covered medically. Until you aren't.  I have called, and emailed, and reached out.  Our first conversation with a pediatrician in our doctors office, there wasn't a lot of honesty on my son's part, but all that was suggested was a nutritionist.  This doesn't even begin to delve into the mental pain and anguish that accompanies an eating disorder.  I scheduled a tele-visit with his actual physician, and he was honest.  However, and here is the fun part, it was entirely up to me to find someone, anyone, anything, make sure they take Tricare, call our doctors office back, and wait for them to send in a referral to our insurance company, and then wait for a letter in the mail.  

Guess who can't find a psycho-therapist or a residential center who takes our insurance, or is taking new patients?  Now I have a new list of 30 therapists and psychologists to call and find one who not only takes Tricare, but takes Tricare East, which apparently makes a difference.  

Here is the point of all of this.The point of this first post on this blog.  It shouldn't be this hard to find help.  It shouldn't be this hard to reach someone to help my son not starve himself to death.  This morning I watched the documentary, Thin on HBOMAX.  All women and teenage girls. Heartbreaking.  Painful.  I cried through most of it.  Some of the patients, their insurance ran out, so they were forced to leave.  To figure it out on their own.  To battle a disease that has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.  One more thing to worry about.  One more thing to imagine.  

I am hoping, by writing about this journey, sharing our struggles and pain, now and what is to come, sharing any resources and info that I can, that I can somehow make boys and men with an eating disorder, not such a mythical beast that most people will tell you don't exist.  

Much Love