In Flux

 It has been a couple of days since my last post.  I have joined two groups on Facebook for parents and caregivers of children with eating disorders.  One of the phrases I have noticed mentioned often, is "Two steps forward and one step back". Not that I haven't ever heard or even used this phrase before, I have more than likely even said it.  But never has it meant more than it does right now.  

While we search for someone, anyone, to help my son, I am reading everything I can. So in the mean time I can try and implement what I have learned.  I have mentioned in my bio that my degree is in psychology, something I pursued simply because of some of the things my mother was going through, and not many people saw what was going on.  I wanted to understand, and find someone to listen so those circumstances could change.  

I cook a lot anyway, but this past week I have dug deep and have been creating some of my kids favorite meals.  Meals loaded with heavy cream, and cheese, some hidden veggies.  The one that my AN (how I am going to refer to Anorexia from here on out) son loves, is Chicken Alfredo.  I make the sauce from scratch, its rich and delicious, and if you ask nicely I may share it with you in another post.  Seasoned and grilled chicken, and pasta.  It is always a huge hit.  So much so in fact, I watched my son eat three bowls. I told him I was so happy to see him eating, and his answer? "Your Chicken Alfredo is amazing, I have to eat it". The next day he asked if he could make the French Silk pie I taught him a few years ago. OF COURSE.  Of course you can make a French Silk pie. Full of chocolate, butter, sugar, eggs, whipped into this silky chocolate dream in a graham cracker crust.  And then to watch him happily eat some of it?  We had a good couple of days.  

Now about 5 days ago, he had managed to get his weight down to 119.  This is incredibly low for a teenage boy who is a little over 5'8.  A healthy weight would be 160 or so.  He was so happy to see that number on the scale.  It terrified me.  Through him being home, watching what he ate and making delicious foods, I managed to get him up to 125.  Not great, but it was progress. Progress is important.  That number needs to go up. When they reach a healthy weight, a weight above when they began this downward spiral, its called "Weight Restored" or WR. Every parent and caregiver wants to hear those magic words, weight restored.  Seeing 125 on the scale was extremely upsetting for him.  Now we are back down to 120, in a matter of days.  The less he weighs, the more erratic he is.  The more unstable his mind is.  He struggles to not waver when he walks.  To carry on a full conversation without stopping multiple times to find his train of thought.  Two steps forward and one step back.  This time however, it feels more like two steps back.  

Much love.