Research shows that genetics play a huge part in the development of an eating disorder. In fact, if a mom or sister have anorexia, it is 12 times more likely another family member will develop it.
I wanted to share a little of my history with disordered eating today. I was never anorexic per say. If you had asked me when I was 16, if I thought I had an ED of some sort, I would have told you no. I ate food, I wasn't purging, although a friend and I tried one night and were unsuccessful. I did however go on strange diets trying to constantly be smaller and smaller in size. It wasn't until a few days ago, when I was reading Life Without ED, by Jenni Schaefer, that I finally recognized the voice that I have had in my head for an eternity.
My mother was constantly trying to lose weight. Due to medications she was on, it was incredibly difficult, but it leaked into every aspect of our lives. I remember being forced to go on 3-4 mile long walks every day with her, so I didn't gain weight, or so I could lose. I obsessed over the size of my thighs, someone once told me I had a bubble butt. I cried a lot over that one. I was a teen in the era of models like Kate Moss, Shalom Harlow. Tall, painfully thin. I was neither of these things. I was a 5'2 girl with 32D boobs and a butt. Perfection would always be out of my reach. When I was 16 and on a summer trip with my church youth group, I refused to eat anything and only drank 32 oz cups of soda a day. I dropped weight like crazy and bragged about it to my friends. Why didn't I see that as a size 3/5 back then, I was perfectly fine?
The consistent voice in my head through all of that, and still comes out to scream at me? "You're fat and disgusting". "You'll never be as thin as your friends". "Why can't you just commit to eating next to nothing and working out all the time? Maybe then you could achieve the body you want".
I decided to try doing KETO for a while. Carbs were the devil. If you eat them, you are hurting your body. I joined several groups on Facebook that touted the glory of being able to follow a KETO diet to the letter. I felt amazing when I conquered the desire to eat bread or sugar. If I slipped? I beat myself up. Carbs and sugar would make me fat, so I had no business eating it, I wasn't one of those lucky naturally thin individuals, so I didn't deserve those things. I would say with such pride, "I don't eat sugar, I don't even want it any more". Looking down on those who were not strong enough to say no to the white crystalline demon. This lasted about 2-3 years.
As an adult, I came to realize I had Body Dysmorphia. It didn't matter how I looked, all I saw in the mirror was myself, grossly overweight. It haunted me. It wasn't until about 4 years ago, I had a tummy tuck done, and I still felt overweight, but when I saw a photo of myself, that was the FIRST time I ever saw what my body actually looked like. And yet I still struggle with that.
I have come to realize, that food is food. There is no good or bad food. Bread is not a villain. Poptarts are not evil. Broccoli and bacon deserve room on my table. Unfortunately, this realization is not genetic. Eating disorders, disordered eating, are. I passed mine to my oldest child. And I am sure mine came from past generations of the same fears and need to be perfect.
Now I try to take what I am learning, have learned, and help my son get through this. I had him finally sit down with his dad, (he is in the military, so he comes home whenever he can), and really share what was going on. How he felt daily, where his mind goes. It is scary, to witness this fully grown ED, speak through him. To hear him shout out, "I WILL NEVER BE FAT AGAIN". ED has come to believe it is part of our family, ingrained in our genetic makeup. We have to find a way to let "him" know he will never be welcome here.
Much love.
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