Slices

 We made it through Thanksgiving.  I hear a lot of parents talk about how hard the holidays can be.  For us, it was the days leading up to it.  When we have a holiday, or visitors coming, and this year we had both, I create an in depth cleaning list and then pass it around and let the kids initial next to what they want to do.  I use the word "want" very lightly.  I handed it to my oldest, and noticed his upper arm was sliced up.  I simply pulled his sleeve back down and looked at him.  

Earlier that morning, I had gone into the garage to get the extra fridge organized and cleaned out so there would be space for pies and Thanksgiving sides and found a lighter on the arm of a beach chair.  I took it, and hid it.  His little sister then told me she had seen his arm the night before, and that it looked fresh. It looked fresh that morning.  My heart sank.  While I know self harm doesn't just stop, I had kind of hoped it had.  Hiding things constantly gets harder every time because you run out of places to put things.  My drawers now hold all sorts of "unmentionables".  

I called his dad to let him know, as this always brings up the question, is it bad enough to have a 72 hour hold placed on him?  I did not want to do this right before Thanksgiving.  There is always the fear when you put an ED kid in the psych ward, that only the mental issues will be addressed.  Most of those floors are not well versed in handling someone with an eating disorder of some kind.  So if that patient doesn't want to eat, they don't really do anything about it.  Wouldn't it be better to have him home, so I could make certain he eats some delicious calorie laden holiday foods? Food in this situation is medicine.  Feed the body, feed the brain, erratic behavior and the ED voices begin to lose their hold.  

So I pulled him aside and told him to come upstairs so we could talk.  He knew I was aware of the cuts and he knew he had to tell me about it.  I want him to always feel like he can be honest about how he is feeling and how he is handling those feelings.  Even then it is still hard for him to tell the truth.  This was a Monday, the cuts on his arm were very fresh, as in it looked like the blood had barely dried.

When?

His answer was a few days before his dad had last come, which he had just gone back the day before.  I knew instantly this was a lie.  The lighter in the garage, he acknowledged he knew it was on the arm of the chair.  Burning and cutting himself.  Pain caused by pain.  

Why?

He feels like he will never be better.  HE FEELS LIKE HE WILL NEVER BE BETTER.  My son wants help, he wants someone to help him, and it is taking MONTHS to get him into a program, for someone to take us seriously.  So he cuts, because that is a pain he can control.  

I explained that this was honestly enough for me to Baker Act him.  Did he want that? Not yet.  Which to me, means he at least has a little bit of hope left that there is help out there for him.  

Much Love