Earlier this week we had some progress in this attempt to find help for my son. Kate, from the facility I mentioned before called so we could take part in an intake meeting. My son was there for it, as was his dad (my husband) which was so important. The majority of the phone call she spoke with our son and he was very open and honest. Some of it was incredibly hard to hear. I know a lot of how he feels, because he does talk to me about it. To hear it spoken out loud to another person, was heart-wrenching. He admitted to the self-harm. Since I had removed all of his access to box cutters and razor blades, he had resorted back to burning himself. I had no idea he had begun doing this again, and the last time was only a week or so ago. When pressed, he told us how he uses a lighter to heat up nails and then puts them on his arms.
She also asked him more about the suicidal ideations. She asked if he had a plan. While it isn't a super complicated one, there is a way he would want to go about doing it. It did bring a spark of hope when he said he knew if he did his mom, dad and siblings would miss him. Which is why he hasn't. I hope that he really truly does know how much we love him and couldn't be without him in our lives.
To hear your child admit that they don't want to be alive, and the only reason they do hang on is because they don't want to hurt you, is one of the hardest things I think I have ever experienced. It makes it so obvious that this ED is working so hard to take him. His brain is encompassed in this haze of depression and fear of gaining weight.
Last night for dinner I made nachos, he was at work so he didn't witness the making of the queso I made. I love to watch cooking shows of all kinds and lately have been rather obsessed with Selena + Chef on HBOMax. It gives me joy, its so real and fun to watch! Yesterday morning I had watched the episode where she makes nachos with Chef Richard Blais. I was inspired by it and decided to make grilled marinated steak nachos. Let me tell you about this cheese sauce. This queso. 4 cups of heavy cream, maybe half a brick of Velveeta, more if you like, and handfuls of shredded colby jack and mozzarella and melt it all down until it is so ooey gooey delicious you can't help but dip a chip in it before it even hits the table.
Fast forward to this afternoon, I knew he had eaten nachos when he came home from work, a small bowl full. He said to me he had barely eaten anything yesterday and while he had the nachos, he didn't think it had a lot of calories due to the size of the bowl. I looked at him and simple said 4 CUPS OF HEAVY WHIPPING CREAM.
This is what parents of kids with ED resort to. We hide fat and ingredients in the foods we make. We trick our kids into getting calories by any means possible. I could tell by the look in his eyes he was upset by this reveal. It may change how he eats the rest of the day today. I am making an early Thanksgiving dinner since his dad leaves tomorrow to go back to his ship and shortly deploy. You better believe I slathered the turkey in butter before it went in the oven, the mashed potatoes will be brimming with butter and cream, and cheese. The gravy will be made from the drippings of the turkey. And there will be pie.
Deception by food. Because we are fighting a battle for his life, and I plan to win.
Much love
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